Watch Your Words
“I can’t believe my son loudly blurted out a graphic description of a temporary pain using anatomically correct words while we were standing in line at the grocery store,” said a parent of a young adult with autism. “It seemed like everyone in the store froze and looked at him in horror. Because he looks like a typical college student, his words caught everyone off guard, including me. I need some suggestions to help me know how to prevent this in the future.”
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SOME STRATEGIES. This is a tough situation that doesn’t have a simple solution. Not to make light of the situation, but several years ago, after I had a similar experience with one of my students, my mom sent me a copy of a Dennis the Menace cartoon. Dennis is characteristically sitting in the corner and complaining to his friend Joey, saying, “I don’t get it. They laughed when they heard those words on t.v.!” Sometimes our friends with autism are unable to distinguish between words they can use when talking to parents at home and words that are more appropriate in public settings. Because this distinction is difficult – if not impossible – it might be a good rule of thumb to avoid using any words at home that cannot also be said in the earshot of strangers in stores, at school, or on the job. The argument can certainly be made for the wisdom of using anatomically correct words to avoid confusion in medical situations, but consideration must also be given to the consequences of using terminology that is inappropriate in social situations. ++ That being said, you asked for suggestions to prevent the graphic outburst in the future. One effective strategy for encouraging more discreet descriptions is to teach him specific scripts to describe specific pains. So, for example, he could be taught to say, “Dad, I feel a pain” or “My body hurts.” Then, it would be important, if you are in a public setting, for you to AVOID saying, “Where do you hurt?” It would probably work better to softly say something like, “I’m sorry you hurt. We will talk about your hurt as soon as we get outside (or in the car or in the next room.)” If you are in a situation where you cannot move away from the crowd and where it is obvious that your son is in serious pain, you can whisper to him, “Tell me very quietly – Does your stomach hurt? Does your bottom hurt? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Do you feel like you are going to throw up? Does your head hurt?” Ideally, your list of questions will set the occasion for a whispered “yes” or “no” response rather than a loud graphic description of his pain. ++ Of course, this strategy will not work for some individuals, for a variety of reasons. But some of the basic principles apply no matter the situation. (1) Watch your words carefully because they will most likely be repeated in public. (2) Avoid questions like “Where do you hurt?” in public. (3) Speak in a very quiet, whispering voice to encourage a soft-spoken response.
NOTE TO LISTENERS AND READERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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