FAQautism

How should we respond to rude relatives who make critical, judgmental remarks about our youngster with autism or about our parenting skills?

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Sometimes relatives shower us with uninvited advice about parenting, or they may criticize us or our child unmercifully. Critical remarks from family members are, indeed, maddening and heartbreaking. Even when the advice is well-intentioned, at least from the perspective of the speaker, it can still be hurtful. And sometimes our relatives are, indeed, unfairly judgmental or just plain rude.

Maybe because the holidays often involve gatherings with members of our far-flung families, people often bring up the topic of rude relatives at this time of year. Sometimes we may find it necessary to avoid family gatherings altogether in order to steer clear of people who are rude and critical and to avoid heated confrontations.

But sometimes embarrassing or irritating criticism occurs unexpectedly during a family holiday celebration. In that case, we might want to have “plan B” in our pocket. If for no other reason, we owe it to our child with autism to keep emotions in check and stress levels down at family reunions.
It seems to me that we really have three options when critical and judgmental remarks are slung our way during a family gathering.
(1) We can grow thick skin, allowing us to ignore the hurtful remarks and to avoid letting rude comments or judgmental opinions ruin the meal or the holiday visit.
(2) We can cut the criticism short by taking a deep breath and calmly saying something like, “It would be most helpful to me if you would avoid talking about my child and avoid criticizing me,” before changing the topic of conversation and ignoring other critical remarks.
(3) We can leave. If we feel our pressure rising and temper boiling, we might want to avoid an angry confrontation. Sometimes we can make a stronger statement by quietly excusing ourselves from the conversation, calmly gathering our belongings and family, and slipping out gracefully.

TIP FOR THE DAY: Every situation is different, and I certainly wouldn’t want to assume to know what would work best in your particular situation. But keep this in mind, in some situations, a polite, measured response to undue criticism by rude relatives can be more productive in the long run, and can prevent our youngster with autism from becoming agitated or angry in the face of a heated family argument.

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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