Barriers to Friendship
In spite of our best efforts, we can find it challenging to develop a friendly relationship with some of our friends with autism. What stands in the way of personal interaction and friendship?
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EYE CONTACT. Most of us judge the responses of other people by non-verbal cues. We know a person is listening to us if they look at us when we talk. If a person does not look, we assume they are not paying attention or that they do not want to listen to us. For a variety of reasons, a number of individuals with autism simply do not maintain eye contact. A young adult friend of mine with autism said, “If I look at someone when they are talking, I get distracted. The only way I can really pay attention to their words is to look down at my arm or at the ground.”
FACIAL EXPRESSION. The look on a person’s face can speak a thousand words. A smile, a glimmer in their eyes, a raised eyebrow, a wrinkled nose – these are almost universal signals expressing concern or interest or joy or humor or depression or questions. Again, for a variety of reasons, many individuals with autism have a flat affect on their face. It is natural for us to interpret their facial expression as boredom or inattention.
WORDS. Some of our friends with autism are non-verbal, but others are able to talk fluently. Their ability to talk does not always translate into an ability to carry on a conversation. Some people simply echo what we say, and others talk on and on about things not at all related to the conversation.
AGITATION. Personal attention can be overwhelming for some people with autism. It may be that they are not able to process our close proximity, our words, our actions, our touch, and our focus right on them. Some of my friends actually hit, scratch, or spit if I turn my full attention to them in a group setting. Others scream, bite their hand, or knock their chair over and run. Naturally, we might mistakenly interpret these negative reactions as dislike or hatred. But, when I visit with them more indirectly, they are very responsive.
TIP FOR THE DAY: We need to look past facial expressions and words and actions of individuals with autism that SEEM to signal disinterest or boredom. Gently and patiently nurture friendship even when it does not seem as if the other person wants to be your friend.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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