Imposing Our Preferences
Sometimes it is good to step back and take a close look at our expectations for our children, students, or friends with autism. It is often necessary to provide support and guidance in many facets of our friends’ lives, but we need to be careful not to impose our preferences needlessly.
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My husband and I encountered this issue when our children were very young. At meals, my husband frequently reminded the boys to “sit up straight” and to “clean your plate.” Although I didn’t want our kids to waste food or to slouch needlessly, frequent corrections from Dad put a damper on the conversation at our meals. He and I compromised about the issue, agreeing to help the boys learn appropriate table manners while, at the same time, avoiding nagging them during meals.
Because we spend so much time helping our family members or students with autism learn skills in so many different areas, it is certainly easy to fall in the trap of imposing our preferences needlessly. For example, one of my adult friends with autism has been in conflict with his parents for many years because his extreme tactile defensiveness makes it very difficult for him to tolerate shaving.
Another young friend will only eat about six different foods. His parents have not yet been able to convince critical grandparents that their son’s selectiveness is a characteristic common in autism. The grandparents think the parents are spoiling the youngster. The parents are thankful their son has expanded to six foods, and finally eats something other than macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch, and supper.
In the long run, expectations such as sitting up straight or keeping our hair combed can lose importance in the grand scheme of life. Just because we like to keep our closet in absolutely perfect order or we like to eat pancakes for breakfast rather than supper, we don’t need to impose those preferences on other people.
TIP FOR THE DAY: There are, of course, some social skills and behavior issues that must be addressed and shaped so our friends with autism can function as smoothly as possible in society. At the same time, our goal is not to mold a person in our concept of perfection, but rather, to maximize potential and enhance the quality of life.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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