Death
In the past few months, two of my friends with autism have suddenly and unexpectedly lost family members to accident or disease. How do we help our friends deal with the issue of sudden death of a loved one?
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As is true of many challenges related to autism, the topic of death could fill a book. Since we just have a short space to touch on the topic, let me discuss one important aspect of death. Over three decades of close, personal, long-term relationships with many individuals with autism and their families has taught me this one critical hint when helping a friend deal with death of a loved one: AVOID ASSUMPTIONS.
I’ve learned to avoid assuming a person with autism will grieve in the same way we might when a parent or beloved grandparent dies. Some of my friends with autism are so much “in the moment” that they appear to focus on the present rather than dwelling on the past or anticipating the future.
For example, one young teen lost his dad in a car wreck last spring. His family was surprised and, actually, a bit upset when the teenager did not seem sad over the loss of his dad. The youngster is perceptive, is in typical classes at school, and communicates well with people around him. But he has always been rather matter-of-fact and unemotional. Although he seems very content and readily participates in activities with his family, schoolmates, and music, he rarely displays emotions, good or bad, under any circumstances.
As is true with all individuals, some individuals with autism will try to hide their grief or will react very emotionally when a loved one dies. But, in the case of this young man, he seemed to take the negative circumstance in stride. He still talks about activities he enjoyed with his dad, but he does not seem to be upset or sad that his dad is no longer around. It is as if he just accepts death as a part of life.
Over the years, several other friends with autism have had similar reactions when beloved grandparents or other favorite family members have died. The unemotional reaction seems to be most prevalent with individuals who have a rather flat affect and who approach life matter-of-factly.
TIP FOR THE DAY: We must, of course, always be thoughtful and supportive when a friend with autism loses a friend or family member to death. But, at the same time, we must avoid assuming they will grieve or struggle with the sudden or unexpected death of a loved one in the same way we might.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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