FAQautism

A friend is thrilled her son with autism has started playing little league baseball with his peers. The second-grader loves his uniform, is eager to go to ball practice, and is a decent baseball player. The coaches seem competent – treating the boys respectfully while at the same time teaching them basic baseball skills and pressing them to do their best individually and as a team. This experience has been rocking along satisfactorily until a huge red flag emerged last night – my friend’s son exploded in anger last night when he was tagged out at home plate. When his team lost the game, he exploded again – throwing bats and gloves, screaming loudly, and grabbing, pinching, and hitting everyone in arms reach. YIKES!

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It sounds as if this youngster has a competitive edge. Lots of folks are extremely competitive, but this second-grader’s reaction to losing is more intense and less socially appropriate than that of most of his peers. In my experience, it is impossible to change the personality or temperament of a person who has an inborn competitive nature. But we can brainstorm about strategies for helping the youngster understand the basic principles of good sportsmanship, and for helping him learn more appropriate ways to express his anger. Below are some ideas that have worked for parents, teachers, and coaches who have known extremely competitive individuals with autism.

TALK to your buddy about sportsmanship. These conversations will not be at all effective if they are “lectures” after he has had a melt down. It works better to have casual conversations when the individual is relaxed and not “on the defensive.”

LISTEN. During a casual conversation, encourage other people to talk about how they like to win and how they sometimes get angry when they lose. Give the youngster a chance to talk about the issue from his perspective.

GOOD SPORTS. Without lecturing, lead the conversation around to the point that most people on a team want to win, but it is impossible to win every single game in life. Talk about the concept of being a good sport. Share specific examples of good sportsmanship. For example, a Good Sport List might include these steps: (1) Do your best. (2) Enjoy winning. (3) Don’t make fun of losing team. (4) Stay cool if you lose. Say, “Oh well, you win some and you lose some.” (5) If you get really mad, walk away from other people and cool down.

INFORM. Don’t assume the youngster knows appropriate reactions to losing or knows how to control his anger. For example, with this second-grader, the parents could talk about how toddlers melt-down and get very angry when they lose a game, but that kids in second grade learn to be good sports. Help him understand that second grade kids want to win, but they don’t scream or hit when they lose a game.

COOL DOWN. Give your competitive friend some alternative ways to deal with anger. It doesn’t work to say, Some ideas for staying cool: (1) count to 25, (2) wiggle your toes until they get tired, (3) move to a different part of the room/field/dugout until you cool down, (4) shoot some baskets, (5) splash water on your face. Teach your friend how to stay cool – strategies for different circumstances that match the personality, age, and temperament of that person.

ACCOUNTABILITY. Before a game or competition, remind your friend of the Good Sports list, and remind him of options for dealing with anger that may well up inside him. Reward appropriate reactions and good sportsmanship with a high five or a snow cone after the game.

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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