Contentment vs. Perfection
A mother wrote of her rather fanatical behavior at a school-planning meeting. In retrospect, the mom realized she had taken a step beyond trying to help her son and had moved into the realm of being obsessive and controlling. She realized that she had sacrificed her son’s contentment by striving for perfection.
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Sometimes we hold too tightly to our friends with autism, trying to control every detail of their lives in an attempt to prevent any stumbling, any hurts, or any problems. In the process, our focused efforts can make our friends with autism and everyone around them miserable. The mom said once she realized she was trying too hard to control every detail of her son’s life she started striving, instead, for balance. She gradually began to distinguish between issues that needed prompt and focused attention and issues that were best to tolerate or ignore.
Another family learned this lesson the hard way. After years of conflict, the marriage ended in an unfriendly divorce that ripped apart the secure world of their daughter with autism. Since that time, both parents have grown to realize that their conflict was rooted in different philosophies about controlling the details of their daughter’s life. The dad was more “laid-back” and let many details of school, therapies, camps, and other activities just slide by. Dad could be perceived as being uncaring. The mom, on the other hand, worked diligently 24/7 to control every aspect of her daughter’s life. The mom could be perceived as being controlling.
“We both needed to more to the middle,” confessed the dad. “Now that our daughter is grown, I realize that I should have given more attention to helping her get the most out of every day.” The dad went on to say that he now realizes his wife had the youngster’s best interests at heart, but her obsessive focus on controlling every detail of her daughter’s life made the whole family miserable. Mom commented recently that she now realizes she was holding too tight and being too critical of teachers, therapists, group home staff, and dad.
TIP FOR THE DAY. We should never, of course, ignore individual needs or avoid doing what we can to help each person maximize his potential and enjoy each day. But, all of us should strive for balance, steer clear of being control-freaks, and remember that contentment, NOT perfection, is the ultimate goal.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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