FAQautism

Sometimes we make the mistake of assuming members of our extended family understand the nature of autism. Conflict can arise when our Aunt Tilly or Grandpa Billy makes a casual comment that catches us off guard or offends us. It may be that we can help mend fences and encourage harmony in the family by avoiding assumptions and by taking time to help relatives understand some of the challenges and joys of autism.

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Many of us make inaccurate assumptions about what others are thinking. When it comes to the reaction of relatives to our child or our sibling with autism, we tend to be overly sensitive about their words, facial expressions, and actions. Sometimes we assume that Aunt Tilly’s silence is criticism, but it may be that she is just trying to figure out an appropriate way to ask you to help her understand more about autism. Grandpa Billy may have the best intentions when he offers your son a forbidden cookie, and Cousin Fred may blurt out a comment before thinking of the implications of his words. It is simply not accurate to assume that all comments or actions are intended as criticism of us or of our loved one with autism

It might be most productive to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and to be proactive in teaching relatives the ins and outs of autism. For the sake of discussion, we will use Aunt Tilly as an example of a member of our extended family who has had some trouble accepting our darling daughter’s unusual mannerisms and or our sweet son’s explosive behavior.

1. Take Aunt Tilly to tea. Do not carry on this type of conversation on front of your child or in a public forum. Even if the youngster has very limited language, or if he doesn’t seem to pay attention to conversations, we must respect privacy and avoid public discussion of personal issues.
2. Be brief. Help Aunt Tilly understand basic nature of autism without a two hour, technical lecture. Help her understand the scope of autism – that each individual is a unique mixture with a broad range of strengths and deficits in the areas of communication, social interaction, sensory issues, and ritualistic, perseverative behavior. That spectrum makes it difficult to put our friends with autism in a box and to come up with a single approach to helping them excel at school, work, social life, and home life. Note: Send me an e-mail if you want some recommendations for pamphlets, web links, or other tools designed to help your extended family learn more about autism.
3. Stick with the facts. Without dwelling on the negative and without undue complaining, give Aunt Tilly a candid overview of the challenges autism brings to your youngster and to the family. Tell her about some of the strategies you are using to address those issues. Tell her what she can do to help when her niece or nephew is difficult or explosive or withdrawn.
4. Look at both sides of the issue. Don’t forget to point out the joys and positive aspects of autism. Share some of the endearing qualities of your youngster with autism. Tell Aunt Tilly about some of his accomplishments and some fun family stories.
5. Build connections. Your youngster with autism may not be able to readily connect with extended family members, so take on the role of bridge builder. Personalize your child and give Aunt Tilly some ideas for interacting with the youngster. And remember to thank her for her interest and her support.

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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