Who Cares?
Two parents of elementary aged youngsters with autism were talking about their reaction to criticism of their children. One said she understands how a mama bear’s killer instinct rises to the surface. The other said she cried while driving home after overhearing a critical comment about her daughter’s meltdown in the store. Both commented on the challenge of developing a thick skin that allows parents to respond to criticism by saying, “Who cares?”
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Parents, coaches, and psychologists sometimes encourage us to “take a deep breath and count to three” when we are angry. While we are counting to three, let’s consider these three points:
1. Parents of youngsters with autism can rest assured that their defensive response to criticism of their child is an inherent characteristic of all parents. Parents are, by nature, proud of their children, whether they have autism or not. Most of us swell with pride when our kids are praised, and our hearts swell with anger when our kids are corrected or criticized. Based on its prevalence across the board, parental pride and sensitivity to criticism must be a natural human trait.
2. That being said, I don’t think we can just make our sensitivity to criticism to our children just disappear. At best, we can learn to keep our angry and hurtful reactions under wraps, and develop a more tactful response to unwarranted criticism. . If you do choose to respond to critical, hurtful remarks, do so with a great deal of decorum. For example, you could take a deep breath, and look directly in the person’s eyes with a sweet smile. Then say something like, “I am certain you understand that life is very complex for a person with autism. We have learned to take each day as it comes. It really helps if other people are supportive rather than critical.” Then just change the subject or excuse yourself to take a quick walk around the block or kick a trash can to blow off steam.
3. It can also be helpful to reflect on our level of sensitivity. Is it magnified when we spend 24/7 dealing with issues related to autism? Maybe. Sometimes we assume a stare or a comment is intended as criticism of us or of our loved one with autism. Granted, some people are openly rude or unfairly judgmental. But, in reality, sometimes people are speaking with best intentions or they blurt out something before thinking of the implications of their words. Sometimes people may not realize our child is autistic, or they may feel awkward because they cannot think of an appropriate way to ask you to help them understand autism. No matter the motivation of critical remarks, we want to take steps to prevent bitterness and resentment overtake our lives.
TIP OF THE DAY: We will all encounter criticism of our children. It may be unrealistic to expect everyone to understand our circumstances, so our best strategy might be to grow a thick skin, allowing us to relax and enjoy the silver linings in our lives.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me an confidential email to talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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