FAQautism

Some individuals with autism are disconnected from the world around them or they resist interacting with other people. On the other end of the spectrum, we find people with autism who are overly-friendly. They may stand too close, talk incessantly, or have an obsessive interest in one person. How can we shape irritating, obsessive behaviors while at the same time maintaining a good relationship with people who are too friendly?

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It is difficult to change habits, but family members, teachers, job coaches, and others can help their friends with autism learn more appropriate social skills by defining specific boundaries. Teach overly-friendly people to stand at arms length from people. Teach them to listen to others talk while keeping their lips sealed. State instructions very clearly in a firm yet friendly tone of voice, e.g. “Always stand back” or “Listen with your lips sealed.”

One of my adult friends with autism stands right in front of people and talks non-stop about one topic. Instead of saying “Do not get too close,” I show her exactly where to stand. Because she seems to crave social contact, I actually allow her to stand with her shoulder touching mine as long as she is beside me rather than in front of me. Standing beside me – shoulder to shoulder – allows her to be in contact with me without hogging all my attention and blocking me off from interacting with other people.

It has been a long process, but we have gradually taught this young adult to allow other people to talk. We say, “Be a good listener now.” She has learned over the years that a “good listener” keeps their mouth quiet and their ears open. If she needs a reminder, I just touch my lips rather than irritating everyone in the group by saying “Shhhh!” or “Debra, I told you not to talk to me now!” If she persists in talking out of turn, I say firmly, “Good Listener. Now.” Then I turn my back to her until she is quiet. The INSTANT she quits talking, I turn back to our shoulder to shoulder contact and give her a “thumbs up.” I don’t talk to her until “Debra’s Talk Time.”

At the beginning of talk time, I turn to her, look at her, and say, “Debra, now it is your talk time. Tell me what is happening in your life.” During talk time, I maintain eye contact and an attentive look on my face, making occasional responses. After 2 minutes I smile and say, “I really enjoyed talking to you. We will have Debra’s Talk Time again soon. For now, be a Good Listener.” Then I turn back to stand “shoulder-to-shoulder.”

TIP FOR THE DAY. You must, of course, adapt the plan to fit individual needs of overly friendly people with autism. In most cases, you will see more appropriate social interaction if you define and enforce specific limits and give your friend your undivided attention on a regular basis. Patience, consistency, and friendship are keys to helping people who are too friendly.

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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