FAQautism

When we are dealing with multiple behavior issues day in and day out, it is easy to fall into the trap of nagging our friends with autism. Nagging rarely changes behavior, probably because targets of our nagging tend to tune us out. Everyone will probably be calmer and happier if we step back, reflect on our nagging, and consider changing our tone. This podcast is not meant to condemn people for nagging, but rather to gently point out the habit and to share ideas for more effective responses to inappropriate behaviors.

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If we could watch a video tape of our day, we would probably be surprised at the ratio between positive comments and negative comments. Out of necessity, we find ourselves constantly addressing one behavior or another, sometimes barking orders or impatiently repeating commands in spite of our good intentions. What are our options when we encounter inappropriate behaviors or when our friends with autism do not follow necessary instructions?

1. NAG. A constant stream of reminders and warnings and threats may make us feel better, but they rarely yield results. We tend to make statements like “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times that you need to put your books in your desk and come over to the table for our math lesson” or “I can’t believe you never listen to me. I’ll tell you just one more time to quit wasting time and go take your bath. And don’t forget to brush your teeth while you’re at it.” Sometimes we speak up with a reminder before our friend with autism has a chance to process the instruction and develop the appropriate response.

2. IGNORE. Some behaviors simply do not warrant all the energy and effort they receive. For example, it is rather usually fruitless to constantly nag a person with autism about rocking or flapping their hands or avoiding eye contact. These are behaviors inherent in autism, so, unless the issue is extremely disruptive or hurtful, our time might be better spent focusing on other issues.

3. DON’T DON’T We tend to use many words to tell people what we do NOT want them to do. It is much more effective to tell our friends with autism what we DO want. For example, rather than saying, “Don’t pick your nose,” we can say, “Kleenex, please.” Or, rather than saying “Don’t hit Lucille again,” say, “Hands down, now.”

4. TAKE TIME. Granted, it is easier said than done, but we can encourage more cooperative attitudes and better compliance if we take time to make personal connections and develop relationships. A youngster with autism who hears a constant stream of instructions and corrections coming from parents and teachers tends to view adults in his life as military commanders rather than as supportive allies.

5. TAKE A BREAK. When it seems as if you are reaching the end of your rope, take a break. Actually, it is best to do so long before you run out of patience.

TIP FOR THE DAY. Think before you speak. When you start to nag a person, use words that state exactly what response you want, then wait and let them process the information and formulate a response before interrupting their train of thought with another reminder.

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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