No Compromise
Some of our friends with autism never outgrow the toddler habit of expecting a little treat or toy every time they make a trip to the store. Even when family members set limits on trips to the store and on purchases, some “shopaholics” react with extreme tantrums at home, in the car, or in the store. Unreasonable shopping demands are detrimental to the family budget as well as the family’s peace of mind. Many families work through the different stages of managing this behavior very systematically without success, so it progresses to the point of holding the family hostage with demands to go shopping and daily tantrums. Some families have found the “No Compromise” approach works in this situation.
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The No Compromise approach focuses on a NEW PLAN – going on a weekly shopping trip – rather than on what behaviors are NOT allowed. Understandably, we usually respond to the tantrums by saying something like, “Quit asking me to go shopping,” or “You’d better stop hitting and throwing, or we will never go back to the store,” or “I don’t care how loud you scream. We are not going to the store.” With the no compromise approach, we can say something like, “Son, I am broke. I am out of money, so we won’t be able to go to the store very much. We just have a few dollars to spend on special treats each week. So listen to our new plan.”
1. Clip an envelope containing $ 3.00 cash with his name on it on the refrigerator door. Say something like, “You get to have $ 3.00 every single week to buy something. It is your money. We will go shopping at Wal-Mart on Friday afternoon so you can spend your money.”
2. Draw a big star on the calendar signifying the new shopping day.
3.The family needs to brace for emotional fireworks, ignoring tantrums when possible. But also be ready to encourage any neutral or positive reaction.
4. Make certain you define the unacceptable behavior and consequences very specifically. For example, you could say “If you scream for more than 30 seconds or if you knock over a chair, I will take $1.00 out of your envelope. So, even if you get upset or mad, try to be calm so you get to keep your money. Don’t forget, this is YOUR money to spend at Wal-Mart on Friday.”
5. Don’t compromise or give in. He can take it or leave it. Don’t give him back money once he has lost it for screaming or throwing item. He will just learn that it doesn’t matter if he loses money because he can always get it back if he acts sweet. Don’t forget to encourage and praise any signs of positive behavior.
TIP OF THE DAY: Keep in mind that any tantrum he throws can’t be much worse than dealing with his holding everyone hostage for many years to come with his daily demands for shopping and his daily tantrums and screaming. It may take weeks, months or even years to decrease the tantrums, but, if you hold tight, but he will EVENTUALLY begin to value his $3 per week.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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