Critical Relatives
Relatives sometimes make remarks about our youngsters with autism that hurt our hearts. They may shower us with uninvited advice about parenting, or they may criticize our child’s behavior. Even when the advice is well-intentioned, it can still be hurtful. Sometimes parents avoid visiting with extended family members in an effort to dodge advice or to avoid stress.
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Visits with extended family can raise the stress level for everyone, and the issues related to autism can add to the pressure. But there are some ways to stay in touch and even strengthen family ties.
1. Don’t expect perfection. It is unfair to your youngster and to the family to expect perfection. You can certainly take steps to help optimize a visit, but it is not fair to your youngster nor to your family members to expect anyone to be perfect. Your child may have some strange behaviors or meltdowns, and your family members may not always say the right things. But you need to keep in mind that all families have warts and bumps. Family gatherings are about friendship and connections and traditions, not about perfect kids or perfect relatives.
2. Don’t make assumptions. Many of us make inaccurate assumptions about what others are thinking. When it comes to the reaction of other people to individuals with special needs, we tend to be overly sensitive about their words and facial expressions. Sometimes we assume that Aunt Tilly’s silence is criticism, but it may be that she is just trying to figure out an appropriate way to ask you to help her understand more about autism.
3. Grow thick skin. Although we can’t assume that our family members are critical of our child’s behavior or of our parenting skills, some folks are, indeed, judgmental. This is a problem that ALL parents encounter. I encourage you to just grow thick skin so you don’t let rude comments or judgmental opinions ruin the day for you or for your youngster. Just smile and nod and say something like, “Life is really complex for all of us, so we’ve learned to enjoy each day.” Then ignore any other comments.
4. Don’t let others dictate. Sometimes it is necessary to just cut criticism short. Whether they intend to be purposefully hurtful, or if they are just offering “constructive criticism,” some folks may say things that are inappropriate. If a member of your extended family is making disrespectful or hurtful comments, take a deep breath, turn to them with a smile, and say, “It would be most helpful to me if you would avoid talking about my child and avoid criticizing me.” Then change the topic of conversation and ignore other critical comments. As hard as it is to do so, try to avoid responding with argumentative or hurtful comments. Take a walk around the block with your child if you feel your anger boiling up, or, if necessary, gracefully leave.
Tip for the day: Remember that family ties are important, even for individuals with autism who do not seem to connect with relatives. So, rather than avoiding family visit, relax and take criticism with a grain of salt.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me a confidential email at talk@FAQautism.com with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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