Do and Don’t
A group of teachers and therapists were talking about the challenge of stating instructions in positive terms. As is the case with parents, we tend to almost reflexively tell youngsters what we do not want rather than stating specifically what we do want.
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Sometimes it takes some creative thinking to state directions in positive terms. We tend to say things like, “Don’t put your backpack there,” or “Don’t throw that paper on the ground,” or “Don’t forget to flush the toilet.” And those exhortations usually just fly over the tops of the listeners’ heads. It might be more effective to say things like “Put your backpack here,” or “Keep paper on the table,” or “Flush now, please.”
Sometimes it takes some creative thinking to figure out how to state some directions in positive terms. Instead of saying, “Don’t hit your sister,” you can say, “Hands on knees now, please.” Instead of saying, “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking,” you can touch your hands to your lips and say “Good listener now. Lips are zipped, please.”
Parents, teachers, therapists, and other adults tend to use many words when giving directions. For example, we might say, “I don’t know why I have to tell you over and over again that I am tired of you leaving your books right in the middle of the kitchen floor where everyone steps on them every time we walk through the kitchen. I’m telling you right now that, if you don’t quit putting your books here, I’m going to put them away in a closet until you decide to listen to me and make good choices about taking good care of those books.” Hmmm, maybe it would be better to say, “No books on the floor.”
Fewer words are good in emergencies. Instead of saying “Don’t run into the parking lot until I am walking with you and we look both ways because you might get run over by a car,” you can say, “Stop, now.”
So, to avoid wasting time and irritating everyone in earshot of our constant stream of nagging, we can steer clear of the temptation to shoot out the word “don’t” and give directions that specifically state the desired behavior in positive terms. We welcome your input. Share challenges and ideas based on your experiences or intuition. Just click on the comments button or send an e-mail to talk@FAQautism.com.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. Send email to talk@FAQautism.com And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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