Do Not Do That
We all fall in the trap of saying repeatedly, “Do not do this” or “Do not do that.” When people ignore our pleas, we respond by saying, “Why don’t you ever do what I ask?” Hmmm, maybe it would be wise for us to examine our words. It might be more effective to state specifically what we do want done rather than talking about what we do not want.
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We almost reflexively say things like, “Don’t slam the door,” or “Don’t forget your backpack,” or “Don’t jump on the bed.” In these cases, it might be more effective to say, “Close the door gently,” “Carry your backpack,” and “Sit on the bed. Jump on the trampoline.”
Interestingly, some of our friends with autism focus on individual words or phrases rather than processing the entire sentence. So, for example, when a parent says, “Don’t go outside to play until you feed the dog,” the youngster might hear these words, “Go outside to play.” The youngster is all smiles when he hears he can go play, but the parents are frustrated because he did not follow their instructions to feed the dog.
We can shift the focus by stating the desired action very specifically. We can say, “Feed the dog now, please.” Or we can say, “First, feed the dog. Then play outside. Dog first.”
Sometimes it takes some creative thinking to figure out how to state some directions in positive terms. Instead of saying, “Don’t hit your sister,” you can say, “Hands on knees now, please.” Instead of saying, “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking,” you can touch your hands to your lips and say “Good listener now. Lips are zipped, please.”
Sometimes we need to use fewer words. For example, rather than saying, “Don’t run into the parking lot until I am walking with you and we look both ways because you might get run over by a car,” you can say, “Stop, now.”
So, to avoid wasting time and irritating everyone in earshot of our constant stream of nagging, we can steer clear of the temptation to say “don’t.” Instead, we can specifically state a clear direction. Using a pleasant but firm tone of language can take the edge off the instructions. We don’t want to sound like a drill sergeant barking out commands, but we do want our friends with autism to understand that we are asking them specifically to do something.
We welcome your input. Share challenges and ideas based on your experiences or intuition. Just click on the comments button or send an e-mail to talk@FAQautism.com.
NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. Send email to talk@FAQautism.com And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com
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