FAQautism

A mom of a 30-year-old son newly diagnosed with autism wrote to an autism forum at About.com asking for some suggestions for addressing conflict arising from her son’s history of poor self-responsibilities and poor money management. This young man and his mom are dealing with issues similar to those encountered every day by a number of parents who have adult children with autism who are almost able to live independently, but not quite.

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Every situation is unique, of course, but today’s podcast shares some strategies that have worked for several friends who have encountered similar struggles with their semi-independent adult children with autism.
1. Parents and other caregivers usually find it is more productive to ignore arguments and whining. So, for example, if a dependent young adult says, “You never help me out, so I just don’t have any food,” the parent can respond calmly by saying, “You have $75.00 per week for groceries and food,” and leave it at that. It is usually counterproductive to jump into the middle of an argument or to try to convince the person that you are right and he is wrong.
2. Just say “no.” In the long run, the young adult learns valuable lessons when parents don’t give in to demands, requests, and whining for more stuff or money or whatever. Long explanations and admonitions are not necessary. Just say no, then change the conversation to a more positive topic.
3. Sometimes it is helpful to have a counselor or therapist help mediate some of the daily living issues that now cause conflict between parents and their adult children.
4. Parents eventually learn to let some things go. For example, it won’t kill a person if he does not brush his teeth or wear clean socks or hang up his clothes. We probably will never be able to convince him of the folly of wearing a Star Wars t-shirt to work, and no amount of pleading will make him wash his hair more often or eat french fries less often.
5. Over time, the parents learn to avoid the temptation to try to “make everything right” for their adult child. Micromanagement of the lives of our children, spouses, or friends rarely works, even under the best of circumstances. Things get even more complicated when issues related to autism are added to the mix.
6. Parents may want to consider gradually backing off their management of daily details. Just make certain he is safe, give him a certain amount of money on a debit card for gas, food, and other daily needs, then just leave him alone. It is very hard to back away especially knowing that he will stumble and fall a few times. But, in the long run, arguments decrease and contentment increases when parents back away and allow as much independence as possible.
7. If, indeed, the adult with autism needs some support in order to make it through daily life, parents might consider hiring a “buddy” who can hang out with him for several hours a day or on Saturday afternoons to help out as needed.

Granted, all of these suggestions are easier said than done. But, rather than spending the next few decades in conflict, it might be a good idea to gradually begin taking purposeful steps to decrease conflict and increase contentment for both the parents and the adult diagnosed with autism. We welcome your thoughts and experiences. Just click on the comments button or send a message to talk@FAQautism.com

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. Send email to talk@FAQautism.com And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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