FAQautism

We are continuing the conversation with a reader who asked for some ideas to help things go smoothly when she has a chance to meet the 14-year-old son of a gentleman she is dating. The son, who visits every other weekend, has displayed some jealousy in the past. Because the son has some limitations in his communication skills, it may be difficult for him to express his concern about this person who is suddenly taking up time in his home with his dad.

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In the first segment of this two-part series, we discussed some ideas that help build positive relationships when dating a divorced parent of a teen with autism, including thoughts about schedules, short visits, and riding in the car. Let’s take a look at a few other issues that may arise.

RED FLAGS. If you see red flags of agitation or discomfort indicating the teen is upset by your presence, just melt out of the picture. Sometimes teens learn they can get rid of unwelcome people by throwing a fit or saying rude things. It is not appropriate for the youngster to hold you or his dad hostage, but this is HIS dad and HIS home. You are the visitor. Don’t wait for a full-blown meltdown. If you see the frustration level rising, you can just pretend you get a cell phone message and graciously excuse yourself.

ROMANCE. I encourage you to keep romantic interaction very private. A new romance for divorced parents is a difficult adjustment for most teens, whether they are diagnosed with autism or not. Until you are certain it won’t cause a meltdown, I recommend you act very much like a family friend or an aunt so you don’t raise unnecessary red flags. It is much more important to earn the youngster’s trust and friendship than to hold hands or snuggle or even sit next to your friend.

STUFF. Most individuals with autism are protective of their space and their belongings. So, respect his space and his stuff. Don’t go into his room uninvited. Don’t sit next to him uninvited. Don’t get too close or talk too much during a movie. Don’t pick up or put away items that belong to him. Don’t talk too loud or try to fill all the silences with conversation. He and his dad have a routine at home. You just need to glide into the routine without fanfare so you don’t make even a ripple on the water of their time together.

TALK. With a few exceptions, people who don’t talk much can still understand what people say. Don’t ever make a comment about the youngster when he is at home. Never. Not even when you think he is asleep or taking a bath or playing outside. If you must communicate something to your friend about his son, send an e-mail or a text message. If the youngster can read, delete the message as soon as it is read.

These are just a few ideas that come to mind about the ins and outs of dating a person who has a son or daughter with autism. Of course, every situation is different, but the basic principles of respect, humility, and friendship apply across the board. We welcome your ideas and insights. Please feel free to click on the comment button or to send an e-mail message to talk@FAQautism.com.

NOTE TO READERS AND LISTENERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. Feel free to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solution. Send email to talk@FAQautism.com And don’t forget to check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. http://FAQautism.com

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