Thick Skin
“It seems that everyone thinks my son would be a better kid if I would just be a better parent,” said a mother of a 5-year-old with autism who overheard comments by strangers when they witnessed her son’s melt down in the grocery store. The mother went on to say, “These people don’t realize that he struggles with lots of issues related to his autism.” Other parents and teachers have also spoken of their anger when relatives, friends, or strangers make critical remarks.
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Sometimes the best response to people who are openly critical or who inadvertently make hurtful comments is to develop a thick skin. I recommend that people count to three when they are confronted by criticism or inappropriate comments. While counting to three, consider these three points.
1. ASSUMPTONS. Growing thick skin helps prevent over-sensitivity to reactions of family members, friends, and strangers in the store. Sometimes we assume a stare or a comment is intended as criticism of us or of our loved one with autism. In reality, sometimes people are speaking with best intentions or they blurt out something before thinking of the implications of their words. Sometimes people may not realize your loved one is autistic, or they may feel awkward because they cannot think of an appropriate way to ask you to help them understand autism. So, step one of growing thick skin is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and to avoid assuming people are be purposefully rude.
2. RUDENESS. Growing thick skin helps us give a dignified, mature response on those rare occasions when someone is purposefully unfair, judgmental, and rude. In that case, it is probably most constructive to simply ignore the inappropriate remarks, letting them roll off your back. Defensive and argumentative retorts from you only magnify the issue. If you do choose to respond to critical, hurtful remarks, do so with a great deal of decorum. Just say a little prayer, take a deep breath, and look directly in their eyes with a sweet smile. Then say something like, “I am certain you understand that life is very complex for a person with autism. We have learned to take each day as it comes. It really helps if other people are supportive rather than critical.” Then just change the subject or excuse yourself to take a quick walk around the block to blow off steam.
3. SILVER LINING. Growing thick skin helps you chill out. Deal with issues the best you can, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Then just relax, enjoy life, and focus on the positive aspects of your loved one with autism.
So, remember, when your anger starts rising to surface in response to criticism or rude comments, count to three, remembering these three points about thick skin as you count. We welcome your comments about experiences you have had with hurtful, critical comments and about your response to those comments. Just send us an e-mail message at talk@FAQautism.com.
Note to FAQautism.com listeners and readers: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism – faqautism.com
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