Residential Placement
“After several years of struggling with the issue, we have decided that it is in the best interest of our son and of our family for him to be placed in residential care,” said a dad of a young adult with autism and significant behavior issues. “We are receiving a great deal of criticism from our extended family and from other people in the community. They think we are just tired of taking care of him, so we are just trying to get rid of that responsibility. Nothing could be further from the truth.” These parents and others are searching for ways to respond to the criticism that often follows the decision for residential placement.
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Once parents have explored all options and made a decision for residential placement based on the best interest of their child, they face that difficult task of trying to explain and justify their decision to others who have not walked in their shoes. No matter how hard they try, many parents find that they cannot convince everyone of the wisdom of their decision. Three strategies help smooth this rocky transition.
1. Acknowledge concern. It is certainly appropriate to let folks express their concern about your decision. Then it is certainly appropriate to respond with a brief, non-defensive explanation. You could say something like, “I appreciate your concern. I’m sure you know we love Bobby very much, and we have made this decision after having explored all options. We are excited about this new opportunity.”
2. Emphasize the Positive. Many people think of residential placement as a prison sentence or as locking a person up and “throwing away the key.” In reality, moving into residential placement is more like going away to college or to a long-term summer camp. Parents can respond to criticism by saying something like this: “Thank you for your concern. He seems to be adjusting to his new home, is actually enjoying his stay. It is as if he gets to spend weekdays at summer camp. And we can’t wait to see him every Saturday when he comes home.”
3. Smile and nod. Sometimes undue criticism comes from people who will never be convinced you made a good decision. Aunt Tilly may start spreading rumors at a family get-together about your devious plan to get banish your son to a terrible place. In this case, just pretend like you don’t understand a word she says, and change the subject by talking about something fun you did with your son recently. Sometimes it is best to just let flak roll off your back.
We welcome comments and ideas about this touchy topic. Please feel free to send us an e-mail at talk@FAQautism.com.
Note to FAQautism.com listeners and readers: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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