Nagging and Empty Threats
“I often catch myself just nagging my son,” said a parent of an elementary student diagnosed with autism. “I really want to help him and to use all the strategies we’ve worked on with teachers and therapists, but sometimes I simply run out of time and patience to follow through. So I end up just nagging him and spouting empty threats.”
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Remember that it is easier for therapists and teachers to follow through with strategies that target challenging areas since their time is more limited and the schedule is more structured. Maintaining a perfect therapeutic environment 24/7 is an unreasonable expectation for families.
One sure-fire way to help decrease the nagging and empty threats is to use five words or less to tell your son exactly what you want to happen. For example, instead of saying “How many times am I going to have to tell you to get in there and brush your teeth,” just hand him the toothbrush, point sternly to the bathroom, and say, “Brush now, please.”
Instead of saying, “If you don’t get out to the car now, I’m going to drive off without you and you will have to stay home alone all day long,” just hand your son his backpack, point to the car sternly, and say “Get in the car now, please.” Then stand there until it happens.
We all fall in the habit of venting our frustration without ever really telling our friend with autism what we really want. We say things like, “You never put your backpack up. I can’t believe that you keep plopping it down right in the middle of the floor.” Or we might say, “No matter how many times I call you to come line up after recess, you always ignore me and keep on playing. You never come when I call and I just don’t know what to do to make you listen.” On other occasions, we say, “I can’t believe you forgot to bring your coat home from school again. I told you this morning to remember your coat and you just ignored every word I said. The weather is turning dreadfully cold tomorrow, so I guess you’ll just freeze to death.” So the idea is to say, “Put your backpack up now” or “Line up now, please.”
And don’t forget to give him a big pat on the back when he does follow directions. We tend to focus on the negative and completely ignore the positive. When we start looking for good behavior, we often discover our friends with autism actually follow more directions than we realized. So, remember, throw nagging out the window by being short and sweet.
Note to FAQautism.com listeners and readers: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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