“Just the thought of visiting our family at Thanksgiving raises my blood pressure,” commented a parent of a fifth grader diagnosed with autism. “Although none of the aunts and uncles and grandparents have said anything critical, my husband and I both feel pressure to make everything perfect so our daughter doesn’t act strange or have a meltdown.” Another parent commented that she tended to avoid any family gatherings because it seemed like everyone was always trying to give her advice about raising her teenager with autism. She said, “None of their kids are perfect, but I feel like they think I need to do a better job of parenting. Because I always get mad, I just avoid going home for the holidays.”

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Holiday visits can raise the stress level for all families, and the issues related to autism can add to the pressure. Each family must make its own decision about visiting extended family, but there are several factors that you might want to consider. Today’s podcast takes a look at some of the emotional issues surrounding family gatherings, and the podcast “More on Holiday Visits” suggests some practical strategies for making visits more comfortable for everyone.

1. Don’t expect perfection. It is unfair to your youngster and to the family to expect perfection. You can certainly take steps to help optimize the holiday visit, but it is not fair to your daughter nor to your family members to expect anyone to be perfect. She may have some tense moments and your family members may not always say the right things, but you need to keep in mind that all families have warts and bumps. Family gatherings are about friendship and connections and traditions, not about perfect kids.

2. Don’t make assumptions. Many of us make inaccurate assumptions about what others are thinking. When it comes to the reaction of other people to individuals with special needs, we tend to be overly sensitive about their words and facial expressions. Sometimes we assume that Aunt Tilly’s silence is criticism, but it may be that she is just trying to figure out an appropriate way to ask you to help her understand more about autism.

3. Grow thick skin. Although we can’t assume that our family members are critical of our child’s behavior or of our parenting skills, some folks are, indeed, judgmental. This is a problem that ALL parents encounter. I encourage you to just grow thick skin so you don’t let rude comments or judgmental opinions ruin the day for you or for your youngster. Just smile and nod and say something like, “Life is really complex for all of us, so we’ve learned to enjoy each day.” Then ignore any other comments. If necessary, just graciously excuse yourself from the room for a bit.

4. Don’t let others dictate. Sometimes it is necessary to just cut criticism short. Whether they intend to be purposefully hurtful, or if they are just offering “constructive criticism,” some folks may say things that are inappropriate for family gatherings. If a member of your extended family is making disrespectful or hurtful comments, take a deep breath, turn to them with a smile, and say, “It would be most helpful to me if you would avoid talking about my child and avoid criticizing me.” Then change the topic of conversation and ignore other critical comments. As hard as it is to do so, try to avoid responding with argumentative or hurtful comments. Take a walk around the block with your child if you feel your anger boiling up.

5. Relax and enjoy. This is easier said than done, but you can really optimize family gatherings for yourself, for your child, and for your extended family if you just chill out and enjoy the day. Cherish the time you have to strengthen family ties, even with people who are critical of you or your child.

We welcome comments, ideas, and challenges you have encountered at family gatherings. Just send an e-mail to talk@FAQautism.com

Note to FAQautism.com listeners and readers: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com