Parents of a third grader diagnosed with autism commented they couldn’t tell if their son enjoyed family visits during the holidays. “He just sits on his grandmama’s couch and flips through magazines all afternoon. He won’t eat any of the special thanksgiving meal she prepares for our large family because he just likes macaroni and cheese. So far we haven’t had to deal with any explosive behavior, but he doesn’t interact with any of his relatives or join in conversations. Sometimes we wonder if we should even attend family gatherings.”

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At best, large family gatherings are stressful for many folks, and autism adds additional challenges. Your third grader may simply be overwhelmed with the situation. After all, he left the quiet comfort of his own home to come to a new place where lots of unfamiliar sights and sounds and people and foods are swirling around him. Flipping through magazines all afternoon is actually an innovative way to deal with all this stress. Rather than avoiding holiday visits, I encourage you to take purposeful steps to maximize the situation for everyone – your son, his extended family, and you! Family members of individuals with autism might want to consider implementing some of the practical strategies, not only at Thanksgiving, but at other traditional family gatherings.

1. Talk about the upcoming visit. For several weeks in advance, talk about “Thanksgiving at Grandmama’s” or whatever. Show your youngster pictures of Grandmama’s house and relatives he will see. Talk about the anticipated activities for the day. Talk about Thanksgiving in general and about family traditions surrounding the holiday.

2. Plan in advance. Pick the best time frame for your visit. If your son nearly always has a melt-down in the early evening, then plan to leave by that time. If he usually gets very active in the early afternoon, plan to take him for a walk at that time. If your son only likes certain foods, take some of that food along. If he can’t get along without his favorite toy or book, take that along. Most kids get restless when waiting around. Plan some activities that he can enjoy rather than expecting him to sit for hours while adults converse or watch television.

3. Short and sweet. If you know in advance that your son gets restless after a few hours of relatively unstructured time, then don’t press your luck. Purposefully show up after everyone else has arrived, enjoy a meal and visit, then head home.

4. Watch food intake. Monitor the food your son eats to prevent allergic reactions and to prevent behavior issues that arise for some individuals with autism when they eat certain foods.

5. Anticipate issues. Be prepared for explosive or other inappropriate behaviors that can occur when a person is thrust into a new, stressful situation. Nip frustration or anger or over-excitement in the bud when possible. You can go for a drive or for a walk to help him calm down.

6. Respect privacy. Remember that your son probably understands everything that is being said. Try to avoid talking about him or about his autism or about problems you are encountering. Although it is tempting to talk about issues at family gatherings, it is probably more respectful to have such conversations with your relatives via e-mail.

7. Relax. A holiday visit requires that you remain vigilant to help your son stay on track. A low-key approach to the whole situation works best. It isn’t necessary to make a big deal over his macaroni and cheese preference or over his lack of social interaction or your “short and sweet” visit. Don’t expect perfection. Take care of all problems swiftly and quietly, then relax and enjoy your visit. Over time, these family visits will become more familiar to your son, and the family traditions will become an important part of the fabric of his life.

Note to FAQautism.com listeners and readers: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com