Holding Too Tight?
Sometimes we hold too tightly to our friends with autism, trying to control every detail of their lives in an attempt to prevent any stumbling, any hurts, or any problems. In the process, our focused efforts can make our friends with autism and everyone around them miserable. So, how do we draw the line? At what point do we need to relinquish some control? How do we distinguish between issues that need prompt and focused attention and issues that are best to tolerate or ignore.
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SOME THOUGHTS. One mother wrote of her rather fanatical behavior at a school planning meeting. In retrospect, she realized she had taken a step beyond trying to help her son and had moved into the realm of being obsessive and controlling. She said the experience helped her learn that “balance and sometimes letting things be are always worth striving for.”
A therapist for youngsters with autism was passionate about the well-being of every single student, and did what she could over the years to make life better for each student. She learned over time that she could not control every aspect of their lives. She couldn’t control the attitudes and lifestyles of every parent. She couldn’t force other kids to want to play with her students who were aggressive and potentially hurtful. The therapist couldn’t “fix” every kid and help them be “normal.” But rather than being disillusioned, the therapist realized over time that not everyone needs to be made perfect, that people with challenging disabilities experience joy and contentment, and that being “normal” doesn’t guarantee happiness.
After years of conflict that ended in an unfriendly divorce that ripped apart the secure world of their daughter with autism, both parents have grown to realize that their conflict was rooted in different philosophies about controlling the details of their daughter’s life. The dad was more “laid-back” and let many details of school, therapies, camps, and other activities just slide by. The mom, on the other hand, worked diligently 24/7 to control every aspect of her daughter’s life. “We both needed to more to the middle,” confessed the dad. “Now that she is grown, I realize that I should have given more attention to helping her get the most out of every day. And her mother really had her best interests at heart, but what seemed like her obsessive focus on controlling every detail of our daughter’s life made the whole family miserable. It felt like she was holding too tight.”
This podcast is definitely not advocating that we ignore individual needs or that we avoid doing what we can to help each person maximize his potential. The point is, rather, to encourage family members, teachers, therapists, and others interested in the well-being of individuals with autism to strive for balance, to steer clear of being a control-freak, and to remember that contentment, NOT perfection, is the ultimate goal.
NOTE TO LISTENERS AND READERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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