Pick Your Battles
Teachers, therapists, family members, job coaches, residential staff, and others interested in the well-being of individuals with autism are in a position of continually monitoring behavior and making decisions about the need to address different situations. Because we cannot be perfectly consistent and because we cannot expect perfection from others, we learn to pick our battles, tolerating or ignoring some behaviors so we can focus on issues of highest priority.
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SPECIFIC STRATEGY We tolerate some behaviors because we recognize that we cannot micro-manage every single detail of a person’s life. For example, we might choose to tolerate behaviors such as rocking or murmuring quietly or refusing to eat foods with certain textures. We might tolerate an obsession with a ragged blanket or the need to follow precisely the same routine every single night before bed. In the long run, expectations such as sitting up straight or keeping our hair combed can lose importance in the grand scheme of life. Just because we like to keep our closet in absolutely perfect order or to eat something other than macaroni and cheese for lunch every day, we don’t need to impose those preferences on other people.
We learn to pick our battles, sometimes ignoring behaviors that might be considered inappropriate. For example, if we are helping a youngster with autism learn to participate in group activities, we might ignore his nail-biting or hand-flapping as long as he makes some effort to stay seated in the group and to imitate his peers. If a teen with autism is learning to sit quietly rather than screaming loudly, we might ignore his constant humming. If we are helping an individual with autism learn to sit at the table during a group meal without throwing silverware or a plate, it would probably be counterproductive to start nagging him about cleaning his plate or using a napkin.
It is, of course, occasionally critical that we take swift action to stop a behavior. Sometimes a person with autism is in danger of hurting them selves or another person. It is also important to step in when a person’s public behavior is extremely inappropriate or destructive. It is up to us to decide whether the behavior truly needs immediate attention, or whether we reacting because we are annoyed or irritated.
So, we need to pick our battles carefully, a strategy that sometimes requires us to ignore or tolerate behaviors so we can focus on the priority issues.
NOTE TO LISTENERS AND READERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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