Good Sport, Part 1
“My PDD-NOS son has to win at every game or he freaks out,” wrote a parent. “He also has a compelling urge to be first in line, first to complete a task, first at anything. When he isn’t first or doesn’t win he gets so angry, hitting and screaming, ‘I want to win.’ I want to work on this ‘obsession’ of his over the summer since he is going into first grade in the fall, but I’m at a loss.”
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SPECIFIC STRATEGY Since first graders tend to be competitive, your son will probably encounter lots of situations in school where he won’t “win.” If he continues to scream and melt down every time he loses, his peers will probably really give him a hard time or they will avoid interacting with him. It sounds as if your son has a competitive edge that lots of folks have, but his reaction to losing is more intense and less socially appropriate than that of most of his peers. In my experience, it is impossible to change the personality of a person who has an inborn competitive nature, but we can brainstorm about strategies in these two areas: (1) Helping your son understand that he will “win some and lose some” and (2) Helping your son learn more appropriate ways to express his anger.
Our conversation about sportsmanship is actually going to be in two sections. In today’s podcast we will discuss some options for raising awareness of the issue, and in tomorrow’s podcast, we will discuss ways to help you son practice sportsmanship. Some awareness strategies:
1. TALK to your buddy about sportsmanship. These conversations will not be at all effective if they are “lectures” after he has had a melt down. It works better to have casual conversations when your son is relaxed and not “on the defensive.” Take some time to bring up the topic of sportsmanship when the family is sitting on the porch eating watermelon or driving to Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone.
2. Let everyone in the family talk about how they like to win and how they sometimes get angry when they lose. Give your son a chance to talk about the issue from his perspective.
3. Talk about how toddlers melt-down when they lose a game, but that kids in first grade “win some and lose some.” Help him understand that first grade kids usually don’t scream or hit when they lose a game.
4. Let different family members talk about ways they deal with that anger. Give your son some alternative ways to deal with anger. Some ideas for STAYING COOL – (1) count to 25, (2) wiggle his toes until they get tired, (3) move to a different part of the room/house until he cools down (4) shoot some baskets, (5) splash water on his face, or whatever you think will work for your son.
4. Tell him that you understand that he REALLY wants to win every time, but that he will NOT always win, so he needs to learn to be a GOOD SPORT. List some specific ideas. For example, the GOOD SPORT LIST might include these steps: (1) Do your best. (2) Enjoy winning. (3) Don’t make fun of others who do not win. (4) Stay cool if you lose. (5) If you lose, say, “Oh well, you win some and you lose some.” (6) If you get REALLY mad, move to a different part of the room to cool down.
So, that is a start. Tomorrow we will talk about some ideas for helping your son practice being a good sport.
NOTE TO LISTENERS AND READERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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