Annoying Conversations
One of my long-time friends with autism stands right in front of people and talks non-stop about one topic or repeatedly asks personal questions, barely pausing for a reply. Her annoying behavior discourages people from wanting to spend time with her. And time with people is the very thing she craves. So, we’ve introduced the pro-active “Talk Time” strategy to help her learn to talk to folks without irritating them.
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SPECIFIC STRATEGY The focus of the “Talk Time” strategy is to define the rules very specifically and to enforce them in a positive and extremely consistent manner. I introduced the new plan to Debra (not her real name) and talked to her about it every single day for several weeks to help her break her bad habit. I said, “Debra, you are my friend and I want to talk to you. Please remember these rules so we can talk.”
Rule 1: Stand beside me, right here. (Instead of saying “Do not get too close,” I show her exactly where to stand. Because she seems to crave social contact, I actually allow her to stand with her shoulder touching mine as long as she is beside me rather than in front of me. Standing beside me – shoulder to shoulder – allows her to be in contact with me without hogging all my attention and blocking me off from interacting with other people.)
Rule 2: Hold your hands like this. (To prevent her from constantly touching my arms, my hair, and my shoulders, I show her how to clasp her hands and how to fold her arms when talking or waiting to talk.)
Rule 3: Be a GOOD LISTENER. (I say to her “Debra, you will be a Good Listener now. Keep your mouth quiet. No sounds. Stop and listen to everyone talk. You may only talk to me during Debra’s Talk Time.” If she needs a reminder, I just touch my lips rather than irritating everyone in the group (and reinforcing Debra’s talking out of turn) by saying “Shhhh!” or “Debra, I told you not to talk to me now!” If she persists in talking out of turn, I say firmly, “Good Listener. Now.” Then I turn my back to her until she is quiet. The INSTANT she quits talking, I turn back to our shoulder to shoulder contact and give her a “thumbs up.” I don’t talk to her until “Debra’s Talk Time.”
At the beginning of talk time, I turn to her, look at her, and say, “Debra, now it is your talk time. Tell me what is happening in your life.” During talk time, I maintain eye contact and an attentive look on my face, making occasional responses. After 2 minutes I smile and say, “I really enjoyed talking to you. We will have Debra’s Talk Time again soon. For now, be a Good Listener.” Then I turn back to stand “shoulder-to-shoulder.”
CONSISTENCY and FULL ATTENTION are critical for making this plan work. Make certain you give the person your undivided attention for Talk Time at regular intervals. You only need to have Talk Time for 1 or 2 minutes at a time, but, if you want to change behavior, it needs to happen every 10 minutes initially. You can gradually increase the time interval between talk times, but don’t just ignore the person and don’t try their patience to the max. Most importantly, don’t wait until she is irritating you before you say anything!
So, try this “Talk Time” strategy. It may need some adaptation to meet your needs, but it does work. And, the investment of time teaching this new skill will reap rich rewards in the long run, not only for your friend with autism, but for all those around her.
NOTE TO LISTENERS AND READERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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