Nagging vs Nudging
I was talking to a parent and an after-school teacher earlier this year about a young lady with autism who functions academically on grade-level with her peers, but struggles with social and behavior issues. Her mom said, “I feel like we are in a constant battle of the wills.” Her after-school teacher commented that she feels like she is always nagging the youngster. They asked for some ideas to pleasantly but effectively help the 4th grader be more compliant.
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SPECIFIC STRATEGY We can go crazy trying to get our kids to change a bad habit, and our nagging often falls on deaf ears. Autism and other related disorders just magnify the issues. We often respond to this challenge one of three ways. (1) Some parents, teachers, and other adults simply give up and just learn to live with the problem. (2) We ignore the behavior for a while, then we reach the end of our rope and get mad. (3) I would venture to say that most of us respond o incompliance by developing a condition called “nag-itis” – we constantly nag our child and we jump on a behavior almost before it occurs. Most of the time our scolding goes right over their heads. So, in order to diffuse the situation, you might consider a strategy that involves gentle nudging rather than constant nagging. When an irritating or disruptive behavior occurs that cannot be ignored, get on eye level with your face very close to hers. Speak softly but firmly, stating the desired behavior very specifically e.g. instead of saying, “Don’t hit your brother,” say “Put your hands on your knees now.” Maintain eye contact with a firm gaze, asking her to respond with “ok” or “sure.” Give her plenty of time to process the information and to make a decision about following the direction. If the inappropriate behavior continues, repeat the strategy. Remember: (1) keep your cool, (2) stand your ground, and (3) encourage the youngster’s compliance. Our goal isn’t to raise perfect kids – just to give them nudges every single day toward being pleasant, cooperative, friendly people.
NOTE TO LISTENERS AND READERS: I am Cathy Knoll, a board certified music therapist and long-time friend of many folks with autism. At FAQautism.com we are committed to providing free, practical, everyday tips for making life better for people with autism. You can click on a button to send me an email with your thoughts or challenging situations or innovative solutions. Check out our website for a wealth of ideas and a glimpse into the world of autism. www.FAQautism.com
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